Christmas Round Robin ;)

12 Dec

So, it’s Christmas and with Christmas comes the cards with the smug ’round robins’ tucked neatly inside.  They are so smugly tucked in the cards and they look like every fold has been ironed, the paper is pristine and expensive bringing news that will make me vomit.  With bated breath I open the first smug robin.  I didn’t see who it was from i enjoy guessing the contents, for example how many babies has the village chav popped out this year, how many A*****’s some estranged distant cousin got and how many times uncle Fred has wiped his bum, ok slight exaggeration, I don’t have an uncle Fred but you get the gist.  Whilst reading about the numerous achievements and counting how many times the word ‘wonderful’ is used and how many exclamation marks are used, I start to compose my own smug robin.  Mine would be on the back of a Costa’s receipt, full of sarcasm and  would probably go something like this…

‘Merry Christmas one and all, hope this Round Robin finds you well.  We are all doing wonderfully and life is great! we have a new addition to our family… a dishwasher! our life has changed.  I am back at university now and I’ve managed to go a year without getting pregnant or giving birth! go me! (dig at my auntie).  Ryan has started nursery now and has settled in famously, not only does he shout and scream he has now added biting to his repertoire, we are so proud! (dig at smug mother from playgroup) He has a best friend at nursery and between them they rule the nursery, no need for a teacher really!   His tantrums have been upgraded from 5.5 on the Richter scale to a 9.2 we are amazed at his progress, so advanced for his age, normally that sort of tantrum  isn’t witnessed until teenage years, who would’ve thought we had a genius in the family, he will be sitting his G.C.S.E.’s in reception.  Potty training has been a triumph!  He no longer uses his nappy, just the wall to display his deposits, some would say it belongs in the Tate Modern.

Bradley has started high school! it’s just wonderful, its amazing to watch him grow into this huffing puffing young man who grunts these inspirational words at us usually ending in idiot.  I mean who could he be referring to? I don’t see anything wrong with dropping him off at school, asking for a kiss and having my music loud, I mean seriously!

Lexi-Nicole is still very small but lovely, we feed her once a week and give her the occasional bottle of milk (dig at every person who has informed me that she is small and every health visitor who has shoved growth charts under my nose!), she is a happy little thing and doesnt take up much room (another dig at my auntie!)

I haven’t spoken to my in-laws since August and I’m very much looking forward to spitting in their boxing day dinner and watching them eat it, all with a smile on my face- never cross me in-laws mwahahahaha!

Lee and I are still married! Yes I know its amazing we’ve made it to four years, 3 years 6 months more than some people thought and three years longer than a particular couple I could mention who epically failed at marriage (dig at…well you can kind of guess without going into too much detail!). 

Christmas preparations are going well, we have bought the kids a tangerine, lump of coal and a pencil each for Christmas, I know its a bit extravagant, but why not push the boat out! (only joking kids). 

I do have to report the sad demise of our Christmas tree though. Day one went well, all was still intact, day three involved slight harassment from the two youngest members of the household, day four involved the youngest member of the household doing some sort of body surf into the centre of the tree and me having to assist in some sort of birth procedure to get her out of the tree.  Day five involved the stripping and humiliation of the tree and day six has included beating it with wrapping paper rolls by both heathens that are under five.  It now is a shadow of its former self, the kindest thing would be to put it down but I haven’t the heart just before christmas!

I must wrap this up now, it has been fantastic hearing your wonderful news and we really must meet soon (yeah when hell freezes over!) blah blah’

Now hands up who would like to get this smug robin?….No Takers???? oh ok I will just post a link to your wall instead!!

Much Love and Merry Christmas  xx

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