The Weekend

22 Aug

My weekend starts with very good intentions, for example not sitting on my bum all day,  just most of it and I plan to indulge in my latest addiction, playing Call Of Duty with my son – who says I dont spend quality time with my son ha!  I have this massive pile of clean washing to put away, I would like to say iron and put away but my laundry works on a need to know basis – this NEEDS  an iron but you KNOW  it’s not gonna happen!  I also have a big issue with socks in my house, so much so I now have a big ikea bag full of odd socks and spend most of my rush hour in the morning searching through this bag to try and find two socks that look vaguely familiar to each other. I mean whats wrong with men wearing pink socks I think its very metro sexual!

Anyway, I embark on an excavation mission to firstly discover if I still have a bedroom carpet and secondly to find out if there is a bottom to the washing pile- which I’m sure there isn’t as I’ve never found it.  Although when I do start to reach what I think may be the bottom of it it’s like going shopping again without spending any money, I re-discover clothes that I forgot we all owned its fantastic and the children look less like refugees which is a look I personally struggle with every day, whats wrong with my zebra pyjama bottoms they pair very nicely with my Uggs for a quick visit to waitrose, when I got out like this I look like a mother duck leading my little family because oddly enough no one will walk with me, they chose to walk several large paces behind – losers!

I’m slowly clearing the bedroom stopping briefly to flick thorough magazines, I have to see if I’ve read them or not don’t I? and finding books that make me look intelligent when in truth I probably only bought the thing to show someone in a shop that I could read, I mean of course I can read russian can’t everyone?  I’ve managed to clear a nice circle impressive enough to look like I’ve done something and then go and get the hoover, I’m on a roll now, I’m stomping up the stairs with the space ship looking hoover when all of a sudden I trip and land on top of the thing, Ive landed on top of better in my life but onwards and upwards.  I find this piece of plastic that snapped off of the hoover during our encounter and for the life of me I cannot find where it came from, this gives me a good excuse to sit down while I try and figure out where I can shove it  and pray the thing still works.  It does and I only manage to hoover up a few items that im sure don’t matter whats a few screws from the bed matter between friends?

I carry on my rampage through the flat and do my usual admin on facebook, and I decide enough is enough and costa is calling me.  Kids are ready, I’m ready – let’s go, if only it was that simple.  Ryan the two year old has decided otherwise, he wants to watch Mickey Mouse and decides to scream and commando crawl all over the pavement, people are looking and tutting and commenting and I’m swearing back at them and making outrageous statements about how they can’t have children because they look too square to have even had sex etc etc, I might aswell have rolled around the floor with Ryan.  I manage to drag him along the road as I can’t quite get him in the buggy in a public place as it would look like I am beating him up and there’s no suitable alley ways to do this.  We go around the shops as best we can and we get to Morrisons where Ryan always has massive Wobblies, I don’t know what it is about that shop!  He’s floor mopping and screaming until he about to vomit and I just smile nicely at all of his spectators.  A lady taps me on the shoulder and tells me she doesn’t know how I’m coping with him and I just ruefully smile and tell her I am going to kill him when I get home, I don’t think she shared my sense of humour as she took one look at me and almost ran off, oops.

I go over costa and by this point I have had enough and I try to get in the door using my bum as a battering ram and trying to line up the buggy perfectly as there is literally no space either size for errors, as I’m struggling with the door there is this moron the other side, I’m halfway through the door and he is trying to get out but is completely blocking my path, and people and myself are asking him to move.  I turn and advise him to move and warn him that the contents of his tray are very hot and would make a very nasty stain on his clothing and would you believe it he still doesn’t move, Ryan is getting very impatient and decides to shove his way through and barges into the man sending him a little off-balance so I then seize the opportunity and shove him a little more and he drops his tray and trips, and I just calmly run my buggy over his hand and join the queue.

The rest of the day passes from one tantrum to another and I look forward to the moment when the kids go to bed – its like taking your bra off at the end of the day oh the relief!

Yesterday was family visiting day at my Mum’s.  This wasn’t just any ordinary family this was my Great Aunt and Uncle who make the queen look like a chav.  As much as I was looking forward to seeing them I was dreading how my wild children would behave.  We get to my Mum’s and I see she still hasn’t removed breakable items, the cat or anything else that would cause a drama.  My Mum’s accent has suddenly changed and everything is ‘super’ and ‘absolutely wonderful’ and she tells me my hair looks  fabulous.  This I know is a lie because I forgot to do the other half of it.  The front sections of my hair were curly and I got called away to attend to some child disaster and kind of forgot to do the rest, so I had to make sure that no one stood behind me, although I did see my Mum wince when she realised that my tattoo was on display for the world to see. That will get her back for all of the years she used to force me to wear Laura Ashley dresses that matched with hers and make me speak like I had something in my mouth whenever we visited these people.  She tries to brief me on subjects to avoid and how to speak etc and I tell her to piss off and I will do what I want which I know sends her into a spiral of fear!  I don’t know why she’s worrying about me its the kids that should be the concern.

The relatives arrive and Ryan uses saliva as a greeting and Lexi just gives them the death stare – great start.  We all sit down to lunch and Mum serves this green soup with a big pear floating in it – you had to see it to believe it.  I taste it and realise its got Stilton in it, yuck yuck, Ryan tries it and tells me that it tastes bad, Brad my eldest wont even entertain it and Lexi just looks at it and cries.  My Aunt launches into the how wonderful her grandchildren were at my kids age and how they would eat french delicacies and I couldn’t resist and told her that the kids ate american delicacies, my mum darts to the kitchen for cover and my Aunt asks what these american delicacies were, I told her burger and chips…..silence…. you could almost hear a pin drop or the pear plop in the soup!  The main course was this long pork thing with rhubarb, I manage to pick out some bits for the kids to eat – which they don’t and I try to eat myself, my Aunt is full flow about private schools, moving house, her grandchildren and a programme called 2012.  I’ve never heard of this programme and I launched into a tirade about how I don’t agree with the 2012 games and my reasons why and they all look at me, I stop and retrace my speech in my head and I’m sure I didn’t swear, my Aunt then pipes up to tell me that her husband is on some big decision-making committee about the 2012 games and how he had been very influential in ensuring that the games came to London…ooops la la la.  Ryan breaks the silence by running past us all with my mum’s purse and none of the contents still in it.  I chase after him and I try and recover everything and as of yet I havent had a phone call to tell me otherwise.  When I get back they are all cooing over an unimpressed Lexi who is holding court in her high chair, she then lobs her dinner at my Aunt and I just laugh, I didn’t know what else to do.  I try and eat my dinner as quickly as I can in the vain hope that everybody else will too so I can get the whole ordeal over and done with, but no, chat chat chat, and then the photos come out.  Have you ever been shown a picture of someone or something so horrid that you have to put your best lying face on and think of something constructive to say?  well that was me yesterday, she showed me a picture of her granddaughter and I can honestly say this girl looked like a cross between Lady Gaga with short black hair and Dracula, I was actually so scared I kept staring at the picture I could tear my eyes away – cue constructive comment from me…’lovely wallpaper’ my Aunt looks at me incredulously and pleads at me to notice the girls lovely shoes and face and outfit I just nod like the Churchill dog  on the advert and cant help but announce that she looks like someone famous but i cant quite put my finger on it, apparently I’m to email my Aunt when I remember who it is, that will be a fun email.

We leave the dining room and go into the living room and talk about several truck loads of crap and I continue to make my mum cringe and put my foot in it and I am really enjoying my self, Ryan had had a little sleep and was much more on form.  I am being complimented on the children and I am lapping it up and telling them all sorts of crap about how I wont tolerate swearing and bad manners etc.  We are then asked to pose for photos, oh pissing marvellous, We are all asked to say cheese and Ryan promptly shouts out piss off!!  The photos just as this was happening must’ve been priceless.  Ryan then launches into all of the words that leave my mouth everytime I drive and I am praying for the sofa to swallow me whole.  After the photos I can’t leave quick enough although I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall in their car on the way home!


Anyway must dash, Ryan is trying to cut his willy off with a pizza cutter!


Much love xxxxx


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