Bring and share!

13 Aug

Soooo it’s Birthday BBQ time at chez mothers, great I say to myself remembering the last BBQ when Ryan was this cute little baby that just cooed and vomited, now I have this rampaging two year old and his trusty sidekick sister. Yuck.


The day starts fairly well, all the kids up and dressed, I find Lush takes longer these days to get dressed, only kidding.  I am getting to my mum’s on the train which I am kind of nervous about and have packed my trusty can of hairspray incase someone gets jealous of my screaming kids and wants to take them away and I can do my hair and go partying, no its for self defence as I dont think a  C Beebies magazine holds much clout these days, it used to when the Teletubbies ruled the world but I just don’t think Rastamouse cuts it really.

I’ve managed to get me and the kids on the first train and I’m waiting for the thing just to hurry up and shut its doors before I tell Ryan any more lies about the train not moving until he’s sitting still and how its doesn’t like naughty noisy boys etc etc.  It finally moves off and I haven’t even got to the first stop before I have to crack open the first bribe of the day, a packet of crisps, both kids are shovelling them in and im forcing a few more in their traps just to make sure the noise stays inside them.  We get off at east croydon and I mill around some random platform trying to look like im clued up and travel like this all the time down to my london office in my cosmopolitan life, in reality im looking very chav like with my uggs and tattoo out on display, go me.  I finally work out which train is mine and which of the 15 carriages I am allowed to go on and actually arrive at my destination as half of them get ditched and go running off down some other track and end up who knows where.

Im just settling into my seat when I notice her, yummy smug mummy with her uninterested husband and her kid whose named after a racing driver.  I can tell shes smug, she’s got a travel guide to Venezwala nestling in her lap, I mean seriously! she could’ve at least had an Hello! magazine to finish the picture off.  Her husbands ugly so that’s one nil to me already.  Things are going ok, we given each other the once over, the nod of the head and the smile, I’m still one up though.  Then the snack war starts, she gets out raisins, I get out a banana, racing boy starts spitting raisins out like droppings from  a rabbits bum my kids are happily chomping on their banana- well so yummy mummy thinks.  The thing is, she cant see my kids as the buggy is turned away from her,  whats really unfolding is that Lexi is creating a face mask and Ryan is kneading it like it’s  playdough.  Racing boy starts screeching so she gets his expensive looking juice filled expensive beaker out, oh, look at me producing water filled beakers, doesnt matter that they were bought from morrisons its still got water in it, ha!  Racing boy doesnt want his beaker and throws it awww shame, Lexi and Ryan are just pouring it over themselves but yummy mummy doesnt know.  She produces biscuits and looks at me,  I get out some mangy organic looking thing that even the pound shop has stopped selling because they are so nasty, but the packaging looks like its so good for the kids that it makes oxygen look like poison, Racing boy gives her a biscuit shower, Lexi gags and retches and Ryan whimpers I just cough loudly to disguise this.  Then she decides racing boy needs lunch, so she gets him bib and reaches into the bag and gets some tiny pot of ready made, shop bought goo, she thinks shes got me stumped but im already on it, shovelling yoghurts into the kids mouths and telling them how good they are in my children’s tv presenter’s voice, oh I’m on one now.  Meanwhile, racing boy has kicked up an almighty stink because he cant hold the spoon and feed himself because she doesnt want his million pound clothes getting stained.  She looks at uninterested hubby who just stares blankly back and says ‘I dont know what to do hes hungry and he has to eat’, im just staring with my hidden eye that all mothers have according to the folk lore that I have made up to tell my kids that I am always watching them.  Well I just have to offer advice, it would be rude not to, I gave her a spare spoon that I had, made it look like I had loads and could afford to brush away hundreds a week to desperate parents,  and lo and behold racing boy is so occupied at trying to get some food on his spoon he doesnt realise shes sholvelling it in.  She has to be grateful to me now  Oh I think I have won this match, bingo, ha ha.  Maybe she should get a travel guide to Croydon next time.


Anyway, after the train we have to get on the bus, and I run into advice and opinion giving hairy faced granny.  She tells me I’m cruel for giving the kids water in their beakers, I swiflty tell her that its too early for their daily vodka as it would knock them out too early and I want to get drunk tonight and need them asleep. Oh I’m on form today.


We get to mum’s, she’s running round like a blue arsed fly and I’m busy slyly tidying up and hiding what Ryans been doing.  The DVD player has been attacked and some flap thing has fallen off, so I  hide it, and hes found a lovely selection of pens to play with I just turn and go out the room,  well white walls look like paper!  All her guests arrive and its lovely to see some familiar faces and have a laugh and a chat.  One friend in particular bought mum a couple of years ago this strange ethnic looking wooden statue of a woman bent over and what looks like a massive penis growing out of  her stomach, it has a lovely shiny gold end to it (!). Mum hates this thing but has to have it on display as the friend visits a lot.  Im gaily chatting in the garden ignoring the kids and syphoning the punch when all of a sudden Ryan comes out with the penis statue and using it like a walking stick and banging it on the floor and mums friend (the purchaser of the statue) comes dashing after him. I throw the punch at the table and just run, knowing whats happening next, I grab Ryan and the penis statue and go into the living room and attempt to put the statue back, Ryan has other ideas and grabs it back, a tussle ensues and out of the corner of my eye I see that the statue has somehow twisted and is on the verge of snapping, mums friend is watching all of this but I don’t think she’s seen that its about to snap.  Ryan then sees something else and manages to let go and I put the statue back in its place and sit right in front of it so no one can see the damage, when she eventually goes out of the room I manage to run past with the statue and hide it up stairs, not before secretly rejoicing with mum in the hallway at the demise of the penis woman.

Mums churchy friends arrive and they scare me, I don’t dare look at them in case they try to convert me or their eyes burn at the amount of sin I’m oozing out of me.  One of them brings their child who is unbelievably worse than Ryan.  He’s slightly older and and bigger and  is dressed head to toe in a dinosaur costume, I’m all for children expressing themselves and all that so I let it go.  It all starts well and everyone’s all happy and noddy and gooey eyed over how the kids play nicely and give little pinches on the cheeks, I give a sharp dig with my eyes of course at  boy who told Ryan he can’t play with his own toy, I give the usual rolling of the eyes while muttering ‘boys’ and tutting to the rapt audience who want to see how its dealt with. I snatch the toy and play with it myself and the two boys cry, man I’m good at this parenting lark, but at least it dissolves the situation nicely.  Later on Ryan is showing dino boy all of the naughty things he does at nanny’s house and dino boy is joining in nicely, hooray Ryan isn’t going to get the blame hooray!  His sock and sandled parents roam aimlessly in and out pretending to give a crap and avoiding anything that involves them having to have contact with dino. Nice.  Ryan steals the wing from the dino costume and this big robust boy just dissolves into a million tears I am just about to step in via a quick swig from the punch bowl, when I notice that dino boy has stolen something from Ryan that Ryan can’t reach so he took the wing as he was trying to climb up the boy to get it.  Upon closer inspection I realise that Ryan has in fact ripped it, OMG,  The parents are gathering up their bibles and what not and are about to walk out the door, so I quickly tuck the wing in the back of the costume and hope it doesn’t fall off anywhere near me., while I’m tucking it in I make it look like a little friendly pat on the back so the parents think I’m nice, she wont think I’m so nice later on tonight when she’s sewing it back on ooops.


Random thought just finish things off, how did the person that made penis woman statue a) get the idea and b) get the model to pose for it, it really is the biazzarest thing.


much love xx


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