Why do I open my mouth???

10 Aug

So, today starts with an early morning call from the plumbers coming to do something stupid to the already stupid boiler.  I’m busy welcoming them in and making it look like ive been up for hours not minutes,  then I notice the look of fear and amazement on their faces, I turn and follow their gazes to find Ryan standing at the top of the stairs naked!  Im sure I dressed him, he then proceeds to tell me he’s doing a wee wee on the stairs in front of everyone, oh how lovely, im amazed they didnt accept my offer of a tea and I noticed them wiping their feet on the way out? JOKE although I did watch carefully to see if they did!  I just buzz around pretending to do some washing up as it really needs doing and then just give up and eat biscuits.  They are in and out of every room and I’m secretly wishing I had tidied up a little and that my pants arent on full display on the bedroom floor.

Anyway, big news, the baby takes her first steps today, and I start shrieking like a mad woman and making her do it over and over like a performing seal, she soon gets fed up with this and bites me-fair play.  Random thought, does this make her a toddler now?  Nooo she’s too small and cute to be a toddler.


I decided to go into town to stop Ryan pissing anywhere else firstly and secondly to stop him climbing the walls having been in all day. I’m marching my way down to subway with Lush (husband for those that dont know lol) we go in and we are chatting away to the staff, cant think why they know us so well? must be facebook or something? Im mid order when I glance to my left and see the head of the mummy mafia at playgroup come through the door with her super dooper mega expensive gold plated (ok maybe not gold plated) buggy…..oh shit.  Shes  never been the same towards me since I had to ask her if her child was a boy or a girl, be fair to me, the kid was dressed in navy blue and in some sort of three piece suit with these  monstrous brown boots on and looked asexual in the face, I mean shes got money but shes dressing her girl in the brothers cast offs, ouch.  I suddenly go into posh mode and start speaking like I’m a character from absolutely fabulous, every sentence ending with a ‘dahhrling’.  Im sweating a bit because I gave a moving speech to the mafia a few weeks back on how crap takeaway food is and how we shouldn’t fill our children with such poison- I only did it so they would include me in their run to costas at playgroup rather than drinking the muck they serve at playgroup, anything for a costas.

I suddeny come up with an ingenious idea, Pak Choi!  The name comes into my head and turn towards the lush and say ‘dahhrling shall we have pak choi with our teriayki beef and edmame beans tonight?’  I mean wtf?? what possesses me?  I dont even know what half the stuff is, lush is very good and just nods and I then witter on about being bored of salmon.  Queen Mummy then taps me on the shoulder and asks me what do I do with my pak choi?, oh  flippety flippety flip, what do you do with it? I have no idea,  so I told her I normally boil it or for a change stick in on the george foreman grill.  She smiles and backs away slowly.  Im then forced to whisper that I want lots of mayo on my sub, thank god I only ordered a six inch.  Im waiting with intent to see what she orders, only for her to produce a charity thing and ask the staff to put it in their window, damn.  She then swishes past me with the asexual child in its bentley of a buggy and leaves.


I then feel compelled to go into Morrisons to see what pak choi really is and discover that the george foreman grill really isnt the best way to ‘do’ pak choi oh well la la la, I  like it crispy.  Im having my usual ordeal around morrisons with floor mopping Ryan, when I manage to bribe him into the buggy with chocolate, good he and she are quiet.  I  get to the checkout and unload my fruit and veg and milk on to the conveyor belt, I’m  just about to put the biscuits, galaxy and jelly tots on the belt, when some old lady taps me on the shoulder and tells me what a good mother I  am for giving the kids such healthy food.  I hide the bad stuff in the hood of the buggy and remind myself to go to the kiosk to pay for it.  I agree with her and say that its disgusting for kids to be filled with sugar and preservatives all the time and then tell her the kids only have sweets at christmas.  why? why? why?  I  just get carried away.  She then makes moves to look and talk to the kids in the buggy, I  glance down quickly to find them both smeared in chocolate, the shit alarm is going off in my head, how am I going to get out of this one? I  quickly move the buggy forward at such an angle no one can see or get past, once again I throw the money at the cashier and run, via the kiosk, the race is still on, shes advancing towards me and asks me if I’m buying cigarettes, I reply ‘oh no I dont smoke, its disgusting’, she makes a move for the kids again, I have two things to hide from the woman, the messy kids or the bad things I need to buy, its coming to crunch time when all the sudden her friends taps her on the shoulder she starts some chat about tena ladys or something and I run straight into costa. phew.


much love xxx


2 Responses to “Why do I open my mouth???”

  1. Janice Maclean August 10, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    This is superb. My “angels” are now 16 and 14, but this brings back so many memories.

    • sazza518 August 10, 2011 at 9:04 pm #

      Thankyou very much for your kind comment xx

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