Archive | August, 2011

The Dentist!!

27 Aug

I’ve had a pretty uneventful week, hence the lack of blog, this partly due to the fact I am too scared to take Ryan out he is behaving like a rabid dog at the moment….however, we did have a trip to the dentist….

I decided to be the good housewife and Mum and register all of us into the local dentist surgery, I was feeling all good and glowy and told Lush who promptly told me that he wouldnt be stepping anywhere near the dentist- something which I know is untrue because he likes to drive the car and kind of doesn’t trust me at the moment as I hit it twice last week :/, I then told my huffy puffy eldest who pretty much agreed with Lush, not a good start.  The day eventually arrives and my eldest manages to dodge going to the dentist as he is visiting his mega cool or ‘awesome’  Uncle.  We arrive in the surgery which is in this nice new building and you need a sat nav just to find the room.  Ryan instantly sees this as a cue to mis-behave, I am trying to fill out the millions of forms for all of us and also trying to tell the stuck up little madam behind the counter that not only had she misspelt the  names  but also got birthdates wrong.  I am doing my best to look like a Mum that has it all together and start grinning manically like Basil Fawlty while Ryan starts to destroy the very compact waiting room.  They first call Lush – who said he wasnt going to be there! into the room and I settle down with one of those fancy home magazines and pretend I’m reading it when really I am hiding behind it as I know that Ryan is being naughty.  Lexi is happily chewing a mangy looking book- all good for building up her immune system and Ryan decideds to take off down the very long corridor, I play the super nanny game and tell him to come back and offer him consequences and bribes all through gritted teeth, Lush’s appointment seems to go on forever and Ryan has now taken to opening some very unsafe looking windows- the word stressed doesnt even cover how I am feeling at this point.

They finally call Ryan in and I whisk him into the chair and tell him that he’s going on a ride and the mans going to count his teeth etc etc but Ryan is refusing point blank to even open his mouth, even the dentist resorts to bribing Ryan with some stickers, that’s not working and I am getting desperate and I stupidly tell Ryan if he’s a good boy he can have some sweeties!!! omg what an idiot, I hear lush snort in the waiting room and I am praying the dentists chair will suddenly malfunction and fold completely up with me in the middle, who offers a child sweeties in the dentists room?? its like when I produce a bottle of formula milk at the breast feeding group, its not the done thing.  Happily enough Ryan suddenly becomes willing and dutifully opens his mouth and the dentist dives in, I hold my breath because I know what’s coming, I don’t tell the dentist what’s coming because he is a total stuck up moron, who is rude and told me I needed to play with my children more… sorry I thought I was at a dentists not a parenting workshop,  Ryan decides he has had enough of the dentist and promptly clamps his mouth shut with the dentist’s  finger still in it!  Being the wicked witch that I am, I pull Ryan away from the dentists just so Ryan’s teeth dig in a bit more ha ha its called Karma dentist man!  While I am revelling in this, I forget that its my turn next and he could very easily exact revenge.  I manage to rescue the finger and try to look for signs of blood but fail.  Ryan is then escorted out rather briskly and I take my turn.  I am literally in the seat for 20 seconds- enough for him to count my teeth- full set and then I’m off.  The dentists doesn’t like us because we have a tax credits card and he cant make any money, so he tries to sell me and Lush and appointment to see a hygienist who quite frankly only does what the dentist should do in the first place.  I politely decline and tell him his pictures that he’s shown me of rancid looking mouths and teeth are very nice, just to get away- very nice?? what must that man think of me now?  Needless to say we shall not be returning to that dentists and we have probably been blacklisted by every dentist in Surrey.

Anyway must go as its Ryan’s Birthday today and I had this strangely bizarre thought and wish that now Ryan is 3 will his ‘terrible twos’ magically disappear and he will suddenly turn into an angel child that doesn’t scratch brand new t.v’s or break 5 playstation 3’s  4 months, or doesn’t leave the freezer open all day, or tip my lovely new soap or shampoo down the sink, oh must stop I am ranting- not a good look!

Much Love xx

The Weekend

22 Aug

My weekend starts with very good intentions, for example not sitting on my bum all day,  just most of it and I plan to indulge in my latest addiction, playing Call Of Duty with my son – who says I dont spend quality time with my son ha!  I have this massive pile of clean washing to put away, I would like to say iron and put away but my laundry works on a need to know basis – this NEEDS  an iron but you KNOW  it’s not gonna happen!  I also have a big issue with socks in my house, so much so I now have a big ikea bag full of odd socks and spend most of my rush hour in the morning searching through this bag to try and find two socks that look vaguely familiar to each other. I mean whats wrong with men wearing pink socks I think its very metro sexual!

Anyway, I embark on an excavation mission to firstly discover if I still have a bedroom carpet and secondly to find out if there is a bottom to the washing pile- which I’m sure there isn’t as I’ve never found it.  Although when I do start to reach what I think may be the bottom of it it’s like going shopping again without spending any money, I re-discover clothes that I forgot we all owned its fantastic and the children look less like refugees which is a look I personally struggle with every day, whats wrong with my zebra pyjama bottoms they pair very nicely with my Uggs for a quick visit to waitrose, when I got out like this I look like a mother duck leading my little family because oddly enough no one will walk with me, they chose to walk several large paces behind – losers!

I’m slowly clearing the bedroom stopping briefly to flick thorough magazines, I have to see if I’ve read them or not don’t I? and finding books that make me look intelligent when in truth I probably only bought the thing to show someone in a shop that I could read, I mean of course I can read russian can’t everyone?  I’ve managed to clear a nice circle impressive enough to look like I’ve done something and then go and get the hoover, I’m on a roll now, I’m stomping up the stairs with the space ship looking hoover when all of a sudden I trip and land on top of the thing, Ive landed on top of better in my life but onwards and upwards.  I find this piece of plastic that snapped off of the hoover during our encounter and for the life of me I cannot find where it came from, this gives me a good excuse to sit down while I try and figure out where I can shove it  and pray the thing still works.  It does and I only manage to hoover up a few items that im sure don’t matter whats a few screws from the bed matter between friends?

I carry on my rampage through the flat and do my usual admin on facebook, and I decide enough is enough and costa is calling me.  Kids are ready, I’m ready – let’s go, if only it was that simple.  Ryan the two year old has decided otherwise, he wants to watch Mickey Mouse and decides to scream and commando crawl all over the pavement, people are looking and tutting and commenting and I’m swearing back at them and making outrageous statements about how they can’t have children because they look too square to have even had sex etc etc, I might aswell have rolled around the floor with Ryan.  I manage to drag him along the road as I can’t quite get him in the buggy in a public place as it would look like I am beating him up and there’s no suitable alley ways to do this.  We go around the shops as best we can and we get to Morrisons where Ryan always has massive Wobblies, I don’t know what it is about that shop!  He’s floor mopping and screaming until he about to vomit and I just smile nicely at all of his spectators.  A lady taps me on the shoulder and tells me she doesn’t know how I’m coping with him and I just ruefully smile and tell her I am going to kill him when I get home, I don’t think she shared my sense of humour as she took one look at me and almost ran off, oops.

I go over costa and by this point I have had enough and I try to get in the door using my bum as a battering ram and trying to line up the buggy perfectly as there is literally no space either size for errors, as I’m struggling with the door there is this moron the other side, I’m halfway through the door and he is trying to get out but is completely blocking my path, and people and myself are asking him to move.  I turn and advise him to move and warn him that the contents of his tray are very hot and would make a very nasty stain on his clothing and would you believe it he still doesn’t move, Ryan is getting very impatient and decides to shove his way through and barges into the man sending him a little off-balance so I then seize the opportunity and shove him a little more and he drops his tray and trips, and I just calmly run my buggy over his hand and join the queue.

The rest of the day passes from one tantrum to another and I look forward to the moment when the kids go to bed – its like taking your bra off at the end of the day oh the relief!

Yesterday was family visiting day at my Mum’s.  This wasn’t just any ordinary family this was my Great Aunt and Uncle who make the queen look like a chav.  As much as I was looking forward to seeing them I was dreading how my wild children would behave.  We get to my Mum’s and I see she still hasn’t removed breakable items, the cat or anything else that would cause a drama.  My Mum’s accent has suddenly changed and everything is ‘super’ and ‘absolutely wonderful’ and she tells me my hair looks  fabulous.  This I know is a lie because I forgot to do the other half of it.  The front sections of my hair were curly and I got called away to attend to some child disaster and kind of forgot to do the rest, so I had to make sure that no one stood behind me, although I did see my Mum wince when she realised that my tattoo was on display for the world to see. That will get her back for all of the years she used to force me to wear Laura Ashley dresses that matched with hers and make me speak like I had something in my mouth whenever we visited these people.  She tries to brief me on subjects to avoid and how to speak etc and I tell her to piss off and I will do what I want which I know sends her into a spiral of fear!  I don’t know why she’s worrying about me its the kids that should be the concern.

The relatives arrive and Ryan uses saliva as a greeting and Lexi just gives them the death stare – great start.  We all sit down to lunch and Mum serves this green soup with a big pear floating in it – you had to see it to believe it.  I taste it and realise its got Stilton in it, yuck yuck, Ryan tries it and tells me that it tastes bad, Brad my eldest wont even entertain it and Lexi just looks at it and cries.  My Aunt launches into the how wonderful her grandchildren were at my kids age and how they would eat french delicacies and I couldn’t resist and told her that the kids ate american delicacies, my mum darts to the kitchen for cover and my Aunt asks what these american delicacies were, I told her burger and chips…..silence…. you could almost hear a pin drop or the pear plop in the soup!  The main course was this long pork thing with rhubarb, I manage to pick out some bits for the kids to eat – which they don’t and I try to eat myself, my Aunt is full flow about private schools, moving house, her grandchildren and a programme called 2012.  I’ve never heard of this programme and I launched into a tirade about how I don’t agree with the 2012 games and my reasons why and they all look at me, I stop and retrace my speech in my head and I’m sure I didn’t swear, my Aunt then pipes up to tell me that her husband is on some big decision-making committee about the 2012 games and how he had been very influential in ensuring that the games came to London…ooops la la la.  Ryan breaks the silence by running past us all with my mum’s purse and none of the contents still in it.  I chase after him and I try and recover everything and as of yet I havent had a phone call to tell me otherwise.  When I get back they are all cooing over an unimpressed Lexi who is holding court in her high chair, she then lobs her dinner at my Aunt and I just laugh, I didn’t know what else to do.  I try and eat my dinner as quickly as I can in the vain hope that everybody else will too so I can get the whole ordeal over and done with, but no, chat chat chat, and then the photos come out.  Have you ever been shown a picture of someone or something so horrid that you have to put your best lying face on and think of something constructive to say?  well that was me yesterday, she showed me a picture of her granddaughter and I can honestly say this girl looked like a cross between Lady Gaga with short black hair and Dracula, I was actually so scared I kept staring at the picture I could tear my eyes away – cue constructive comment from me…’lovely wallpaper’ my Aunt looks at me incredulously and pleads at me to notice the girls lovely shoes and face and outfit I just nod like the Churchill dog  on the advert and cant help but announce that she looks like someone famous but i cant quite put my finger on it, apparently I’m to email my Aunt when I remember who it is, that will be a fun email.

We leave the dining room and go into the living room and talk about several truck loads of crap and I continue to make my mum cringe and put my foot in it and I am really enjoying my self, Ryan had had a little sleep and was much more on form.  I am being complimented on the children and I am lapping it up and telling them all sorts of crap about how I wont tolerate swearing and bad manners etc.  We are then asked to pose for photos, oh pissing marvellous, We are all asked to say cheese and Ryan promptly shouts out piss off!!  The photos just as this was happening must’ve been priceless.  Ryan then launches into all of the words that leave my mouth everytime I drive and I am praying for the sofa to swallow me whole.  After the photos I can’t leave quick enough although I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall in their car on the way home!

 

Anyway must dash, Ryan is trying to cut his willy off with a pizza cutter!

 

Much love xxxxx

Stay and bitch ooops my mistake, stay and play!

16 Aug

After staying up until 3am this morning playing call of duty with my lush, I decided I was too tired to watch the children make a mess at home but it was ok to let them make a mess at stay and play.  It was a summer extravaganza today because they were staying open later past their usual 11.10 lockdown, very exciting, we are told to ‘bring lunch!!!!’  I look in the cupboard and instantly feel like old mother hubbard, there’s not much in there apart from a few well meaning boxes of raisins, a fruit puree pot whose lid is bulging and on the verge of explosion and a packet of malted milk biscuits that no one likes because you can actually crunch the salt in them- best save those for visiting plumbers, rat men, sky engineers and people that think they visiting the museum which I happen to live abouve but are actually in my flat- our living room serves as a good prop for what a bombed house in the war looked like.  Anyway, I’m racking my brains to try and find something that could pass as a lunch to take to stay and play.  I manage to rustle up a jam sandwich on lovely granary seeded bread, I cut it up into bitesize bits and then have a ten minute fight with the stupid flipping clingfilm- I mean who invented such irritating stuff, it knows I’m in a hurry and it choses to stick to itself and then go into a ball, and then when I finally have finished swearing at it and get it straight it tears in a massive diagonal strip ending in a tiny point.  I wrap the sandwich up and go to pick it up and it falls out one end of the clingfilm parcel, I am seriously swearing and annoyed and running late, I look around in the kitchen cupboards to see if there was one of those smug little plastic sandwich sized boxes anywhere with the little clippy lid that screams out “look at me, I store everything in these boxes, my fridge is an organised haven of little plastic boxes with labels on”  but sadly there isnt, I do however cast my eye upon a left over plastic cup from a party, great, storage problem sorted.  I ram the sandwich into the cup and then sellotape a clingfilm ball over the top- go me.

I throw the kids at their car seats and off we go, only having to return home the once to get a beaker and a dummy, which is very good for me as its usually third time lucky of leaving the house before I finally have everything I need.  I enter the stay and play hall and survey the little groups of mums in each area of the hall, theres the costa yummy mummy group, the breast feeding group, the polish group, the italian group and the ‘I’ve got a child from hell and I am going to ignore it’ group.  Ok, I dont really fit anywhere into these groups except maybe the child from hell group.  I mean I did breast feed for about two days and I have the up most respect for people that do but sadly I always manage to upset a particular mum everytime I brandish a bottle of formula milk.  The costa group is out after the subway incident (see previous blogs) the polish and italian is obviously out, I mean I can blag my way in and out of most things but foreign languages are a no no, I only know polish swear words and the name of a drink, not a good conversation starter really.

I decide to plump for the breast feeding group and hope that Lexi-Nicole doesnt want her milk.  Its going well and we are all idlly chit chatting away, when all of a sudden this random child appears from nowhere, does a strange dance in the ball pit, licks his lips, slaps his bottom, wiggles it and then skips off.  We all then start looking round for the Mother of this strange child and I think Ive spotted her, this woman is hula hooping in the garden whilst clapping and licking her lips, oooh this is funny so I start telling the little group that that must be the child’s mother as look at what shes doing and we all have a little giggle and a laugh and one of the group makes a comment about the child and his mother, when all of the sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder, oh shit oh shit, it’s the woman sitting next to me, shes not part of the breast feeding group but shes just there, I fix a smile and she points out my son who is playing rather nicely with strange dancy boy, I then ask if strange dancy boy is hers and she confirms this, oh God quick Sarah think of something positive to say, quick quick quick, all I could say was ‘nice socks’, NICE SOCKS???? where oh where did this come from, I could’ve said nice hair, or jumper and enquire where she purchased such an item or nice face, anything but nice socks????, fortunately for me my daughter is making a hasty exit for the door which should’ve been my cue to leave and I have to go and get her.

A little later on Ryan is set upon by this nasty little devil child and has a large lump on his head- Ryan that is not the devil child, if the devil child had the lump you could mistake it for a horn that starting to come through a bit like the teething process.  I then have to go out into the garden to supervise, unfortunately for me, devil child belongs to a yummy mummy but I couldn’t remember which one until he makes another poor victim cry, and yes, you guessed it its subway incident mum- shit.  She trots up to me, I swear underneath her posh clothes shes got hooves and legs a bit like that half man goat thing from the Chronicles of Narnia, shes probably got the hooves painted a nice metallic shade from the nail bar.  She asks me how my Pak Choi was, oh lovely I reply, very invigorating, invigorating??? its not a flipping power shower, its a mangy looking vegetable that I thought you could sling on the George Foreman.  We just laugh it off but she knows that I dont know what to do with it.  I had to get one back I just had to, but what….?

I happen to go  past the yummy mummy group on my way to the coffee bit and I spy Narnia mummy’s bentley of a pram, all gleaming and nice, I kick my one away out of sight, dont want her to have any more ammo.  One of them sees me looking at it and thinks I’m Jel, which I’m not, I make out I’m checking my phone and announce to her that someone was giving one of those away on freecycle as it was such a cumbersome item and told her that no one wanted it because it was such a nasty pram, and to my amazement they all started joining in and slagging the pram off and laughing at the effort it was to take it to the shops blah blah, I was in full flow, the poison was flowing nicely when they all freeze, shame my mouth doesn’t, as Narnia woman is standing right behind me listening, lovely, she then goes into how her and hubby researched it and it was the most expensive pram on the market and only the best for her child etc etc, she then casts her eye over my pram and asks me how much I paid for mine, I replied it was free and she dug back and asked if it was from freecycle and I replied no that it was new from mothercare and it was free because my last one I had problems with and I  got a new one plus I got to keep the other one which I sold. She then snorted and turned away.  Oh no, I’m not having this, and my lip starts to curl and my coffee cup slips out of my hand and on to her pram, oops, I’m sure this was an accident as I was concentrating on my curling lips and not my hand, but I couldnt be sure, cue sharp exit to the other side of the hall while shes mopping up and almost crying, please God dont let me bump into her again.

I’m happily minding my own business and poking people on facebook as you do, when another child comes up to me wearing this t-shirt which I swear said ‘Genitals at work’, he then turns and runs off, I sit there for a while digesting this and wondering where I can get one of these T-shirts and start to giggle, well in a sciency sort of way someone’s genitals were at work to produce the model of that t-shirt.  I just have to check again and start chasing this boy around the hall just so I can look again, he starts looking scared and I start looking crazy but I have to see it again, not the genitals coz that would be weird but the t-shirt.  He runs up to his mum and she looks at me quizzically and I’m just about to say about the t-shirt when she starts speaking in polish to me.  I put two and two together and think that they must’ve sold this t-shirt to her for a joke, you know like you teach someone that can’t speak English well, a rude sentence like’ I want to shag your mum’, but tell them it means ‘lovely day’, I have to tell her, it would be so bad if she didnt know, so I start waving my hands and gesticulating towards the boys t-shirt and saying about it and she tells me its lovely isnt it? erm it might be lovely for a student to wear but not a little boy but how do I tell her?? I mean how do I tell her what genitals means without pointing to my own and looking like a complete pervert, so I come up with the ingenius idea of using a translator app on my phone which I downloaded when I was bored, I typed in genitals and it came up with some word so I showed it to her and fortunately for me she started laughing, ok, going well so far, but then the boy approaches again and I point to his t-shirt and then my phone, but as I think shes putting two and two together I re read the t-shirt and it doesn’t say ‘genitals at work’ it says ‘genius at work’, oh bloody hell, in my defence its in funny 3d writing and all swirly and I’m tired.  I laugh it off and make some cuckoo noises and twist a finger at my head and run off.

Random thought just to finish this off, would tiredness be an excuse to get away with all sorts? imagine what we could get away with and just put it down to tiredness…..ohh the possibilites.

much love xxxx

Bring and share!

13 Aug

Soooo it’s Birthday BBQ time at chez mothers, great I say to myself remembering the last BBQ when Ryan was this cute little baby that just cooed and vomited, now I have this rampaging two year old and his trusty sidekick sister. Yuck.

 

The day starts fairly well, all the kids up and dressed, I find Lush takes longer these days to get dressed, only kidding.  I am getting to my mum’s on the train which I am kind of nervous about and have packed my trusty can of hairspray incase someone gets jealous of my screaming kids and wants to take them away and I can do my hair and go partying, no its for self defence as I dont think a  C Beebies magazine holds much clout these days, it used to when the Teletubbies ruled the world but I just don’t think Rastamouse cuts it really.

I’ve managed to get me and the kids on the first train and I’m waiting for the thing just to hurry up and shut its doors before I tell Ryan any more lies about the train not moving until he’s sitting still and how its doesn’t like naughty noisy boys etc etc.  It finally moves off and I haven’t even got to the first stop before I have to crack open the first bribe of the day, a packet of crisps, both kids are shovelling them in and im forcing a few more in their traps just to make sure the noise stays inside them.  We get off at east croydon and I mill around some random platform trying to look like im clued up and travel like this all the time down to my london office in my cosmopolitan life, in reality im looking very chav like with my uggs and tattoo out on display, go me.  I finally work out which train is mine and which of the 15 carriages I am allowed to go on and actually arrive at my destination as half of them get ditched and go running off down some other track and end up who knows where.

Im just settling into my seat when I notice her, yummy smug mummy with her uninterested husband and her kid whose named after a racing driver.  I can tell shes smug, she’s got a travel guide to Venezwala nestling in her lap, I mean seriously! she could’ve at least had an Hello! magazine to finish the picture off.  Her husbands ugly so that’s one nil to me already.  Things are going ok, we given each other the once over, the nod of the head and the smile, I’m still one up though.  Then the snack war starts, she gets out raisins, I get out a banana, racing boy starts spitting raisins out like droppings from  a rabbits bum my kids are happily chomping on their banana- well so yummy mummy thinks.  The thing is, she cant see my kids as the buggy is turned away from her,  whats really unfolding is that Lexi is creating a face mask and Ryan is kneading it like it’s  playdough.  Racing boy starts screeching so she gets his expensive looking juice filled expensive beaker out, oh, look at me producing water filled beakers, doesnt matter that they were bought from morrisons its still got water in it, ha!  Racing boy doesnt want his beaker and throws it awww shame, Lexi and Ryan are just pouring it over themselves but yummy mummy doesnt know.  She produces biscuits and looks at me,  I get out some mangy organic looking thing that even the pound shop has stopped selling because they are so nasty, but the packaging looks like its so good for the kids that it makes oxygen look like poison, Racing boy gives her a biscuit shower, Lexi gags and retches and Ryan whimpers I just cough loudly to disguise this.  Then she decides racing boy needs lunch, so she gets him bib and reaches into the bag and gets some tiny pot of ready made, shop bought goo, she thinks shes got me stumped but im already on it, shovelling yoghurts into the kids mouths and telling them how good they are in my children’s tv presenter’s voice, oh I’m on one now.  Meanwhile, racing boy has kicked up an almighty stink because he cant hold the spoon and feed himself because she doesnt want his million pound clothes getting stained.  She looks at uninterested hubby who just stares blankly back and says ‘I dont know what to do hes hungry and he has to eat’, im just staring with my hidden eye that all mothers have according to the folk lore that I have made up to tell my kids that I am always watching them.  Well I just have to offer advice, it would be rude not to, I gave her a spare spoon that I had, made it look like I had loads and could afford to brush away hundreds a week to desperate parents,  and lo and behold racing boy is so occupied at trying to get some food on his spoon he doesnt realise shes sholvelling it in.  She has to be grateful to me now  Oh I think I have won this match, bingo, ha ha.  Maybe she should get a travel guide to Croydon next time.

 

Anyway, after the train we have to get on the bus, and I run into advice and opinion giving hairy faced granny.  She tells me I’m cruel for giving the kids water in their beakers, I swiflty tell her that its too early for their daily vodka as it would knock them out too early and I want to get drunk tonight and need them asleep. Oh I’m on form today.

 

We get to mum’s, she’s running round like a blue arsed fly and I’m busy slyly tidying up and hiding what Ryans been doing.  The DVD player has been attacked and some flap thing has fallen off, so I  hide it, and hes found a lovely selection of pens to play with I just turn and go out the room,  well white walls look like paper!  All her guests arrive and its lovely to see some familiar faces and have a laugh and a chat.  One friend in particular bought mum a couple of years ago this strange ethnic looking wooden statue of a woman bent over and what looks like a massive penis growing out of  her stomach, it has a lovely shiny gold end to it (!). Mum hates this thing but has to have it on display as the friend visits a lot.  Im gaily chatting in the garden ignoring the kids and syphoning the punch when all of a sudden Ryan comes out with the penis statue and using it like a walking stick and banging it on the floor and mums friend (the purchaser of the statue) comes dashing after him. I throw the punch at the table and just run, knowing whats happening next, I grab Ryan and the penis statue and go into the living room and attempt to put the statue back, Ryan has other ideas and grabs it back, a tussle ensues and out of the corner of my eye I see that the statue has somehow twisted and is on the verge of snapping, mums friend is watching all of this but I don’t think she’s seen that its about to snap.  Ryan then sees something else and manages to let go and I put the statue back in its place and sit right in front of it so no one can see the damage, when she eventually goes out of the room I manage to run past with the statue and hide it up stairs, not before secretly rejoicing with mum in the hallway at the demise of the penis woman.

Mums churchy friends arrive and they scare me, I don’t dare look at them in case they try to convert me or their eyes burn at the amount of sin I’m oozing out of me.  One of them brings their child who is unbelievably worse than Ryan.  He’s slightly older and and bigger and  is dressed head to toe in a dinosaur costume, I’m all for children expressing themselves and all that so I let it go.  It all starts well and everyone’s all happy and noddy and gooey eyed over how the kids play nicely and give little pinches on the cheeks, I give a sharp dig with my eyes of course at  boy who told Ryan he can’t play with his own toy, I give the usual rolling of the eyes while muttering ‘boys’ and tutting to the rapt audience who want to see how its dealt with. I snatch the toy and play with it myself and the two boys cry, man I’m good at this parenting lark, but at least it dissolves the situation nicely.  Later on Ryan is showing dino boy all of the naughty things he does at nanny’s house and dino boy is joining in nicely, hooray Ryan isn’t going to get the blame hooray!  His sock and sandled parents roam aimlessly in and out pretending to give a crap and avoiding anything that involves them having to have contact with dino. Nice.  Ryan steals the wing from the dino costume and this big robust boy just dissolves into a million tears I am just about to step in via a quick swig from the punch bowl, when I notice that dino boy has stolen something from Ryan that Ryan can’t reach so he took the wing as he was trying to climb up the boy to get it.  Upon closer inspection I realise that Ryan has in fact ripped it, OMG,  The parents are gathering up their bibles and what not and are about to walk out the door, so I quickly tuck the wing in the back of the costume and hope it doesn’t fall off anywhere near me., while I’m tucking it in I make it look like a little friendly pat on the back so the parents think I’m nice, she wont think I’m so nice later on tonight when she’s sewing it back on ooops.

 

Random thought just finish things off, how did the person that made penis woman statue a) get the idea and b) get the model to pose for it, it really is the biazzarest thing.

 

much love xx

Why do I open my mouth???

10 Aug

So, today starts with an early morning call from the plumbers coming to do something stupid to the already stupid boiler.  I’m busy welcoming them in and making it look like ive been up for hours not minutes,  then I notice the look of fear and amazement on their faces, I turn and follow their gazes to find Ryan standing at the top of the stairs naked!  Im sure I dressed him, he then proceeds to tell me he’s doing a wee wee on the stairs in front of everyone, oh how lovely, im amazed they didnt accept my offer of a tea and I noticed them wiping their feet on the way out? JOKE although I did watch carefully to see if they did!  I just buzz around pretending to do some washing up as it really needs doing and then just give up and eat biscuits.  They are in and out of every room and I’m secretly wishing I had tidied up a little and that my pants arent on full display on the bedroom floor.

Anyway, big news, the baby takes her first steps today, and I start shrieking like a mad woman and making her do it over and over like a performing seal, she soon gets fed up with this and bites me-fair play.  Random thought, does this make her a toddler now?  Nooo she’s too small and cute to be a toddler.

 

I decided to go into town to stop Ryan pissing anywhere else firstly and secondly to stop him climbing the walls having been in all day. I’m marching my way down to subway with Lush (husband for those that dont know lol) we go in and we are chatting away to the staff, cant think why they know us so well? must be facebook or something? Im mid order when I glance to my left and see the head of the mummy mafia at playgroup come through the door with her super dooper mega expensive gold plated (ok maybe not gold plated) buggy…..oh shit.  Shes  never been the same towards me since I had to ask her if her child was a boy or a girl, be fair to me, the kid was dressed in navy blue and in some sort of three piece suit with these  monstrous brown boots on and looked asexual in the face, I mean shes got money but shes dressing her girl in the brothers cast offs, ouch.  I suddenly go into posh mode and start speaking like I’m a character from absolutely fabulous, every sentence ending with a ‘dahhrling’.  Im sweating a bit because I gave a moving speech to the mafia a few weeks back on how crap takeaway food is and how we shouldn’t fill our children with such poison- I only did it so they would include me in their run to costas at playgroup rather than drinking the muck they serve at playgroup, anything for a costas.

I suddeny come up with an ingenious idea, Pak Choi!  The name comes into my head and turn towards the lush and say ‘dahhrling shall we have pak choi with our teriayki beef and edmame beans tonight?’  I mean wtf?? what possesses me?  I dont even know what half the stuff is, lush is very good and just nods and I then witter on about being bored of salmon.  Queen Mummy then taps me on the shoulder and asks me what do I do with my pak choi?, oh  flippety flippety flip, what do you do with it? I have no idea,  so I told her I normally boil it or for a change stick in on the george foreman grill.  She smiles and backs away slowly.  Im then forced to whisper that I want lots of mayo on my sub, thank god I only ordered a six inch.  Im waiting with intent to see what she orders, only for her to produce a charity thing and ask the staff to put it in their window, damn.  She then swishes past me with the asexual child in its bentley of a buggy and leaves.

 

I then feel compelled to go into Morrisons to see what pak choi really is and discover that the george foreman grill really isnt the best way to ‘do’ pak choi oh well la la la, I  like it crispy.  Im having my usual ordeal around morrisons with floor mopping Ryan, when I manage to bribe him into the buggy with chocolate, good he and she are quiet.  I  get to the checkout and unload my fruit and veg and milk on to the conveyor belt, I’m  just about to put the biscuits, galaxy and jelly tots on the belt, when some old lady taps me on the shoulder and tells me what a good mother I  am for giving the kids such healthy food.  I hide the bad stuff in the hood of the buggy and remind myself to go to the kiosk to pay for it.  I agree with her and say that its disgusting for kids to be filled with sugar and preservatives all the time and then tell her the kids only have sweets at christmas.  why? why? why?  I  just get carried away.  She then makes moves to look and talk to the kids in the buggy, I  glance down quickly to find them both smeared in chocolate, the shit alarm is going off in my head, how am I going to get out of this one? I  quickly move the buggy forward at such an angle no one can see or get past, once again I throw the money at the cashier and run, via the kiosk, the race is still on, shes advancing towards me and asks me if I’m buying cigarettes, I reply ‘oh no I dont smoke, its disgusting’, she makes a move for the kids again, I have two things to hide from the woman, the messy kids or the bad things I need to buy, its coming to crunch time when all the sudden her friends taps her on the shoulder she starts some chat about tena ladys or something and I run straight into costa. phew.

 

much love xxx

Mum, Ryan and The Cat

8 Aug

So we’ve arranged to go and visit my Mum, just the thought of Ryan running rampage through her lovely Victorian un child proofed house is enough to make my legs twitch. The last visit for example, Ryan found an orange highlighter pen and drew all over her crisp white walls, now we’re not just talking a small child scribble which can easily be laughed off with a tousle of the child’s hair and a gentle shove down the steps, no we are talking a child height constant line with occasional dips- almost like what my heart rate would read on one of those machines, all around the house!  So you can imagine my feelings of almost dread at the impending visit.  My mum also has this obsession with us all eating together every time we meet, which sounds lovely don’t get me wrong, but no, I always have to bring contributions of some sort and always have to help, this is in between me stopping the kids eating out of the cat litter tray, cat bowl or the bin, or touching any of her lovely things.  I also have to watch very carefully, for food rejections from the children’s mouth’s that end up on the floor, big no no on the newly cleaned carpets…eeeekkk.  I forgot the high chair thing and i only remember en route when im calmly sipping my daily costa, oh well, im sure it will be ok.  Lush (my husband) and I have decided between us that we will eat in shifts so that the kids can be closely monitored at all times, this plan would’ve been fool proof had Lush not found a ‘really good’ film to watch on tv.  Dinner goes ok and there’s only a few bright orange tomatoey looking stains that even the most hardiest of baby wipes wont shift, so i strategically place a chair over it and pray she doesn’t notice until we are several miles down the A22.

Mum has a rather sweet persian cat called Harvey, who, it has to be said is very tolerant of Ryan’s pestering, and poking and getting in his face-ing, but it just wasnt one of those days and Harvey wasnt having any of it.  Heres me chatting away in the kitchen to my Mum speaking consciously loudly to drown out Ryan calling Harvey’s name as i knew it would cause stress and panic from my mum.  I manage to sneak out to check on what Ryan is doing to poor Harvey to find Harvey in the corner of the stairs, and his normally green eyes are on the verge of turning red!  Theres a lot of lip licking and growling coming from that direction and just for a second I wondered if it was Ryan or Harvey.  I discover it’s Harvey and start the extraction process with Ryan, by this point Harvey has run out of nerves for Ryan to tread on and he starts hissing and spitting and im sure pissing but don’t quote me on that- THE CARPET!!!  I’m trying to keep this incident under wraps from my mum so I swiftly remove Ryan from the situation and into the living room, where he makes a bee line for the kitchen to go and tell my mum very clearly it has to be said, about Harvey getting his teeth out of his mouth and doing the hissing noise.  How is this possible??? Ryan doesn’t normally speak that clearly so why today? why that situation to get me into trouble lol xx

By the end of the evening we are all starting to get ratty so its time to go, but not before one last parting shot from Ryan who lunges past me and everyone else to the precious china cupboard and starts shaking it with all his might, i then start to grab and tussle with him which makes the cupboard shake even more, and then as if in slow motion  a cup falls off a saucer and rolls, Mum screams No, I scream Shit and we all just wait…for what seems like forever to see if the blasted cup will smash, which luckily for me it didn’t.

I throw the kids at the car seat and do the stupid contraptions up and tell Lush to drive like he stole the car just to get away before the stain uncovering.

Just going off topic, I find myself wondering that if i was in a horror film type situation where I had to get me and the kids in the car and drive really quickly, would the bad person just wait a bit while I get the kids in their maxi cosy’s?….just a thought

much love xxx

Cleaning, Shopping Costas and Ryan do not mix!!!!!

6 Aug

Oh there were so many possible titles to this blog, i just couldn’t choose. What would Super Nanny do, was one, shopping trip from hell part two, was another lol

 

Today started with cleaning time, note the use of the word ‘time’ rather than day, if i had a cleaning day i would look like Bree from desperate housewives-oh if only i was that organised.  Anyway the house/flat was beginning to resemble a cross between a jumble sale and the local tip and there’s only so much ‘admin’ (facebook) I can get away with.  So on goes the radio and I start revisiting plates and cups I thought we had lost over a few days.  Im doing well with jobs and only flicking on to facebook occasionally which is good for me.

I then go into Ryan’s (the naughty 2 year old) room to find that he has presented me with a wonderful masterpiece created from his own fair hand and shit! all over the dodgy spongy wallpaper that is impossible to clean without taking several layers off.  Oh how I love him.

 

The rest of the cleaning time goes well, i even wash the stairs-get me!

Stupidly, after cleaning I decide to go into to town, to visit the husband at work and to have my daily coffee, also to quell the panic rising within me that the kids were undoing all of my rare hard work in the house/flat.

Ryan decides he wants to walk again to the shops and against my better judgement I let him….fool. He makes it to blockbusters and then decides to run around and around and around the shop, my eldest is huffing and puffing at the lack of choice of DVDs..seriously its flipping blockbusters you can’t get much more choice, meanwhile Ryan is very quiet i go round the corner in the shop and he’s eating the candy king and spitting back the ones he doesn’t like.  Once again im throwing my card and money at the blockbusters man before he notices the carnage and make a hasty retreat.

 

Visit the husband A.K.A Lush and then go on to Costas, my favourite place.  I dump the double buggy/tank by a table that is away from everyone else as my child is antisocial and queue up to get my usual pointless because its decaff coffee.  I force cakes down Ryan’s throat and do the same to Lexi-Nicole- the one year old.  I take my eye off the ball for 2 and I mean 2 seconds just to check facebook, when the fire alarm panel makes a very strange strangled screeching noise, im too scared to look up as I know what im going to find….Yes you guessed it Ryan was playing simple Simon (an ’80’s electronic game) with the panel and pressing everything that lit up, I was waiting for the sprinklers to be activated or something.   Anyway by this time Costas has gone quiet and the tumble weed goes across the floor…eeeek at this point I literally open my throat and pour most of my scalding hot coffee down my throat and leave.

 

We have another floor mopping session in Morrisons with Ryan and I’ve run out of things to bribe him with, time to go home.  I make it home reasonably unscathed and im just about to negotiate the three little steps to my front door when Ryan runs off towards another part of the building that isn’t ours. ( I live above a museum which happened to be open today), I chase after him and lob him at the front door and then start on the steps with the buggy, I bump it up the first step, then Ryan flies past me I lose my footing and land on my bum all in front of a crowd of relic hunting museum goers OMG!!

Last part i promise….

When we get in Ryan is being particularly wicked to his sister and snatching everything away from her, i come in from the kitchen to give him the Super Nanny warning to which he promptly tells me to get back in the kitchen. Lovely.  He carries on making his sister screech so we start a naughty step stand-off.  This child is more stubborn than me and that is really saying something.  40 minutes later and he is still refusing to apologise….50 minutes later…….65 minutes later he takes his clothes and nappy off…..80 minutes later we have an apology.  During this time im thinking what would Super Nanny do…..

 

what would she do……?

 

much love xxx